When I sent my daughter off to college, I felt confident that we both were ready emotionally. We were close and talked often but I was honestly excited for her new adventure. But as her first semester lengthened and her connections grew stronger, I found I was not as prepared as I thought. Calling home is not her top priority and she has never liked to talk on the phone. I just thought I would be the exception. I'm not. She has formed tight bonds with the girls in her dorm and in her classes and so her need for love and acceptance is being met. Me? I've had more emotions than I care to admit. I've felt hurt when I am a duty, I've been angry when I am forgotten, and I've been sad when I am only distantly missed.
I love how God works in our lives. God waited for a particularly unhappy week to deal with me. I found myself angry over a missed cell phone date and felt rejected over the infrequent calls. I wanted to retaliate out of the hurt. Conversations in my head would have soon surfaced in our talks. And, I can be mean and hurtful. I don't like to admit that but I know it's true. My mean streak wanted to tell her, "I thought we were close. I guess I was wrong." How hurtful is that? Words like that can bring permanent damage to a relationship and hurt that lasts for years. I am so thankful that God worked in my heart before those words escaped my mouth. I had to first examine the hurt in my heart and found that it stemmed from a natural need to be loved. For almost 19 years, my daughter has been a source of love. As she grew up, we shared many deep conversations and enjoyed a closer bond than most other mothers and daughters. Even though I realized I was raising her to leave and become an independent adult, I didn't really believe that our "closeness" would ever end. I have had to come to terms with the necessity of her separation from me. If we are to enjoy adult closeness, she must first know herself apart from me. Even as I recognized this, I thought - Where does that leave me? How can I bear the separation?
Thus began a series of God interventions. First, was the knowledge that a conversation with my daughter would not be wise so I stepped back and took a breath. That Sunday I heard a message about the crucifixion of Jesus that was absolutely captivating. His sacrifice was beyond our understanding and his love incredible. I've heard the story so many times but this message was beyond any I had heard and broke my heart. This message was followed by the second week of a Beth Moore Bible study titled, "Loving Well." The study began with the statement, "We will not love well until we feel well-loved." This sentence resonated in my heart and soul. God began this lesson back when I was a single woman of 29. I remember well the day my heart was taught that NO ONE can fill the emptiness in my heart except for Him alone. He alone never leaves or forsakes. He alone loves me completely and perfectly. He alone has the answer to my need. Through the years He taught me to never expect imperfect people, no matter how wonderful they are, to fill that need. That place in my soul is God-shaped and only He can fill it. Allowing Him to dwell there releases me to love others well. With my love need met, I will not hold others in bondage with expectations they could never meet.
The day came when the lesson was tested once again. My cell phone rang and I saw my daughter's name. I smiled without a touch of anger. I was thankful to hear warmth in my voice and not the coldness of hurt. I listened to her explanation of a dead cell phone and I could only say thank you in my heart to God that I had not voiced those hurtful angry words. I was able to simply offer the love of a mom supporting her need to grow as a person and as a young woman who truly desires to be all that God wants for her. As she spoke of His continued work in her life, my heart overflowed with His blessing. I can love her well because I feel well-loved by Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment